I would like to put a disclaimer on this post to say there are always two sides to every story. This is my side and this is my truth. Nothing I wrote about is fabricated; it is my perspective. None of this is meant to "expose" or send hate towards anyone. Finally, form your own judgment of people’s character. Don’t believe everything you hear.
Losing friends is a part of life. It’s something everyone experiences, but by no means does it make it any less difficult. In my life, I’ve experienced many losses of friends for various reasons. Whether it be loss of contact, someone moving away, rumors, different mindsets, death, misunderstandings, or simply growing apart: I’ve experienced it all. In this blog, I will be discussing the five significant losses of a friend that I've personally experienced.
MOVING AWAY Riley. Riley was my absolute best friend in fifth grade. We clicked immediately. We understood each other like no one else. Our bond was unbreakable. I remember how often we would hang out during and outside of school. I often went over to her house and we would spend hours together. Our imagination running rampant. We were rather mature for our ages at that point. What I mean by that, is we had a more sophisticated perspective on life and humor in comparison to others our age. I remember she was quite intelligent. Part of the reason I was drawn to her. We would often talk about our personal struggles with mental illnesses. That is part of the reason we became so close. We were both two young kids going to counseling for our mental struggles, and it was something we really bonded over. We related to each other. We understood each other on a level that wasn’t common at that age. One of the saddest things about Riley, is her memory is slowly becoming foggier in my mind. I so desperately want to remember her more vividly, but alas, I’m only left with her fading image. Now you are probably asking, what happened to Riley? Well, if memory serves me correctly (which it often doesn’t), I believe her father was involved in the military. So, as many military brats do, she eventually had to move away. I think it was to Washington, but I could be wrong. We lost all contact from the day she moved away. I’ve tried to find her since, but I've only reached dead ends. I still miss her to this day. I wonder what she looks like now, what her interests are, what career she's pursuing, what kind of a person she is. I hope to one day get in contact with her again, but as of right now, she only remains a memory.
JEALOUSY The next friend loss I experienced is one in which I never received closure. I had a best friend who I went to elementary school with. We had a lot in common and I remember hanging out at her house and always having a great time. We were so carefree. Well, we soon graduated elementary and went on to the same middle school. I’m not gonna get into middle school too much at this moment in time (I’ll save that for another time), but middle school was traumatic to say the least. She was one of my only friends in middle school. And when I say “one of my only friends”, I mean I sat by myself at lunch everyday for the first half of the year. I can’t remember the exact time frame, but one school day, I gave her a friendly "hello" as she neared towards me in the hallway, and she walked past me without uttering a word. I was quite confused, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she simply didn’t hear me. Over days, I kept trying to talk to her, and each time I would receive no response. It was now apparent to me that she was intentionally ignoring me. I don't remember the means of contact (it was probably text via my savvy light-blue-sliding-keyboard-cellphone), but one day, I asked her why she was ignoring me and she finally gave me a brief answer. Her reasoning was she believed I ditched a sleepover at her house to hang out with other friends. As far as I remember, my other friend (who I met through theater and is actually the subject of my next story) invited me to hang out first, and as far as I’m concerned, she never actually formally invited me to come over. Nevertheless, I tried to explain this to her, but she wasn’t having any of it. In an instance, she cut me off. And we no longer spoke from that day on. Her jealousy clouded her mind; making me into someone who wanted to hurt her. I would've never done that to my best friend. I was crushed. Someone who I thought was my best friend didn’t hesitate to cut me out due to misunderstanding and petty jealousy. She wouldn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. Obviously, I’ve gotten over this since. I look back and laugh. But for little, awkward 13 year old Verónica who had no friends in middle school, this was absolutely devastating.
GROWING APART I had a friend I met doing Annie Jr. with a children’s theater company. I can’t quite remember how we clicked. I find that tends to be the case with people who I end up closest to; I can never pinpoint the exact moment in which we became really close. Me and this girl bonded over the rehearsal period of this show. We were inseparable. We had our friend group throughout the show, yes, but the two of us were some of the few who remained in contact after the show had closed. In fact, we would hang out all of the time post-Annie Jr. Some of my best memories of my teenage years are associated with this person. We understood each other. We were so different, yet so similar. She inspired me and I inspired her. We were both creative in our own different way. We expressed things through art differently. We loved jamming out to songs, taking pictures, going to parks at night, staying up until the early hours of the morning, goofing off on Omegle and Chatroulette (throwback. I know), making prank calls, talking with boys on Facebook, giving each other massages, eating dinner with her family, etc. We would laugh so hard together. And when I say hard, I mean I definitely made her pee with laughter once. Yes. Pee. It was hilarious. When I think of the word bliss, I can best describe it as the feeling I get when I remember all the good times I had with this girl. She was my dearest friend. Oof, even writing this, the nostalgia is hitting hard. The saddest part about this friendship is that there was nothing to kindle a falling out. In fact, it wasn’t a falling out, we just started growing apart. I got busy with high school, being involved in cheerleading and theater. I didn’t have much time between school and practice. We weren’t able to hang out very often, and after a while, our communication began fading. Less and less we would talk. But there was no defining moment that I can say was the reason for us growing apart. There was no big fight. No drama. Nothing. We just started growing into different people, and we couldn’t keep up with each other. I remember seeing her at a play after months of not talking and it was, to best describe it: awkward. I was shaken. This brief interaction with this person who I thought would be by my side forever was…awkward. She felt like stranger to me. And that is truly the most tragic part of this story. Nothing went wrong. We just…grew apart. It’s unfortunately that simple. I still think about her. I’m thankful for her friendship all those years. The time spent with her was some of the best of my life. And although she won’t be by my side like I had always imagined, this friendship is one I will cherish forever.
MISUNDERSTANDING The next loss of a friend (and now I question if the term friend was ever legitimate) was fairly recent. When the loss first happened, it consumed my mind for about two weeks straight. This is a friend I’ve had for years and years. We met doing theater when we were both very young, and we hit it off pretty easily! We did many shows together over the years and we always had a good time together. We had a very similar sense of humor and we had tons of inside jokes. We also had a lot of mutual friends, which only reinforced the friendship that we already built because we could share it with others. I really enjoyed the dynamic we had. We were always very supportive of each other as well. Everything seemed fine to me. Unfortunately, one day, she completely turned against me. I won’t go into too much detail, but she essentially used me as a scapegoat for a bunch of wrongs that occurred in her past. She claimed me to be a liar, told me I put her down for years, believes I turned my friends against her, believed that I intentionally outcast her. She made it very clear she didn’t trust me. Each thing she blamed me for cut deeper and deeper. One thing that makes my blood boil more than anything is being blamed for things I did not do. One of the things I value about myself is my honesty. The only times I ever fabricate anything are little white lies to get out of situations I am uncomfortable being in. For example, Them: “Hey, Verónica! You wanna go to this dance show with me this Tuesday night?” Me (who does not enjoy dance shows): “Ooooh, so sorry. I’m watering the…dog that night. No can do buddy.” Them: “That’s alright! Another time then!” So. Nothing crazy. I digress. At that point, I began passionately defending myself. I countered every point she made about me with facts as to why I didn’t do what she claimed I did. But it was to no avail. She wasn’t willing to listen to anything I said. I can say this with complete and utter sincerity: I never lied, much less put down this person. Quite the opposite actually. Again, she was one of my dearest friends. Her accusation that I’ve put her down over the years is the one that hurt the most. I’ve supported this person for years and years. I’ve seen her abilities and potential and I’ve believed in her since day one. To hear something so utterly far from the truth really struck a chord. I was dumbfounded. There was a point in the conversation where I realized, no matter what I said, no matter how I justified or defended myself, she had already decided who I was. And to her, I was a lying, malicious, manipulative person. She had decided my fate. She was the jury, I the defendant, and my verdict was decided: GUILTY. I eventually began to realize: I was going to lose this friend. This friend I’ve known for years. This person who I have so many wonderful memories with. This person who I’ve shared pain and joy with. This person who saved me at one point. She was already gone. With the final text from her ending with “Leave me alone”, I did the only thing I could do: I apologized for anything I ever did that hurt her, but was firm in refusing to accept the things she accused me of. I told her she was welcome back into my life whenever. And that was that. We’ve not talked since. I’ve seen her in a few social settings, but I followed the standard “ignoring” procedure (which is never fun and soooo high-school). I’m not going to lie, this particular loss has been the hardest of the five. It tortured me for days on end. It made me question my character. But I’ve learned something incredibly valuable from this loss: do NOT let others define who you are. If you are certain that your intentions were good, if you are certain that you never lied, if you are certain of WHO YOU ARE: then you’re right. How dare someone else try and make you question your own self. You know yourself better than anyone. So it doesn’t matter what people say. The accusations, the lies, the rumors: it doesn’t define you. YOU define you. Not them. And most people will see who you are. And I’ve realized that. And I’ve realized that I can’t please everyone. One person’s skewed perception of YOU does not define you, even if that person was a really close friend. Losing a friend can be devastating, you may lose yourself in the process, but you will come out stronger. I promise.
DEATH
Finally, there was Rachel. I met Rachel doing my first ever musical theater production: Mulan Jr. I always remember her being an absolute angel to me. She was one of the first, if not, the first person to make me feel welcome into the cast. We connected very quickly. She became my role model. I was one of the younger kids in the cast, and she was considered one of the big kids. She was good with me. Always making me laugh, giving me advice, and being supportive. I remember once telling her about how I hated my big lips. I remember her response being something along the lines of “No, big lips are a good thing!”, continuing by teasing me with “Plus, it’ll make you a better kisser!” For some reason, that probably insignificant statement to her has stuck with me all these years. Because she found the beauty in something about me that I hated. She was one of the most charming, genuine, down to earth, and caring people I’ve ever met.
We did a few more shows together after Mulan. And years later, we were able to keep in contact through Facebook. I remember we ran into each other at a Comic Con at one point. Seeing her then was as if no time had passed. We gushed over all of the nerdy things we were excited to see inside the convention. I believe that’s the last time I ever saw her.
Years went by, and one day, I got news of Rachel’s passing. I was shocked. How could this person, this girl with a heart of gold, the girl who showed me so much love, this amazing person: how could she be gone? She didn’t deserve it. I was confused. I didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. Someone that good should not have died so young. The large distance of time that passed since last seeing her made her death hard to process. I didn’t cry because it didn’t seem real. Even to this day, I have a hard time comprehending. I miss her. She lit up ever room she entered. She was such a role model for me during such an imperative time in my life. So to that I say: thank you, Rachel. Thank you for everything. I had the pleasure of knowing you.
People are part of the cycle of life. Some stay, some leave. Some you push away, and some leave you standing there with an emptiness in your chest. But you live. And you learn. And all of these friends, the good, the bad, and the ugly, have taught me valuable lessons. Lessons that shape the way I live today. Lessons that further blossom my empathy. So to all of the friends I’ve lost over the years: thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
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