DISCLAIMER: TRIGGER WARNING. BLOG DISCUSSES SENSITIVE TOPICS SUCH AS BODY IMAGE AND LOW SELF ESTEEM. IF EASILY TRIGGERED BY SAID TOPICS, DO NOT PROCEED.
It has come to my attention that there is a severe lack of understanding of what it is like to live with body dysmorphic disorder or BDD. And with reason. It is severely neglected compared to the other mental illnesses you often hear about. Its discussion is minimal at best. I am not here to shame or make anyone feel bad for not understanding, rather, I’m here to enlighten and educate you.
Now there’s something you must understand right away: I am not writing this for pity. I am writing this so people can finally understand the depth of my illness. What triggered the writing of this blog was the response by someone very close to me after I recently confided in them about how my BDD was currently really bad. After expressing myself, this person was noticeably shocked and responding with, “Wow. I didn’t know it was that bad”. In that conversation, I had only scratched the surface of my disorder. And then I started thinking about it. I soon realized no one ever really expresses the full extent of what their body dysmorphia entails. It’s only ever superficial remarks such as “I feel ugly” or “I look fat”. But trust me when I tell you, it is so much more damaging and sinister than just those few remarks. And that is what I am here to shed some light on.
Quickly, I want to attach another disclaimer to this blog: everybody’s mental illness manifests differently. Although two people may be diagnosed with the same disorder, how it affects them personally could look and feel completely different. It is important in this case, and in any case of mental illness, to not compare and generalize. It is dangerous to do so. Also, do note, I am not a qualified psychologist or anything of the sort, this is purely based on my 23 years of living with mental illness.
Now, I’ve lightly touched on my body dysmorphia in my other blog “Almost”. Now, that was just the tip of the iceberg. Just a taste of my BDD, if you will. However, in this blog, I am going to go in-depth regarding how it affects me and what you can do to support someone suffering from BDD.
ME AND MY BDD
Body dysmorphia is most commonly associated with eating disorders. I assume the majority of you reading have only heard of BDD in association with eating disorders. This is due to the fact that many who suffer from eating disorders often develop some form of body dysmorphia (or vis versa), and eating disorders are far more well-known than BDD. But often in the cases of eating disorders, the role of BDD is rarely discussed or not discussed at all. So, let me reveal the true, quiet demon that consumes my mind.
My body dysmorphia is the most severe case I’ve ever encountered (Woooo! Yay me!). I’ve done plenty of research, and the only times I’ve seen something similar to what I experience daily is in those weird medical shows you find on the weird side of YouTube. The severity of my disorder is extreme. However, my body dysmorphia does come and go in waves of intensity, much like most mental illnesses. It is always present in the back of my mind, but sometimes I’m able to push it away for extended periods of time. There are days when I feel pretty, but those days are few. My BDD can be triggered by my anxiety, hormones, circumstances, exhaustion, etc. Most of the time, the only trigger I need is a photo of me or seeing my reflection in the mirror. It’s inconsistent and unpredictable. Only a few close people in my life know how debilitating my illness truly is. Let me give you a bit of history.
A LOOK INTO THE PAST
For as long as I can remember, I’ve never thought I was pretty. Not really. I have a vivid memory of me as a SMALL child looking in the mirror and saying “I’m ugly. I look like a boy”. That was something I often thought of myself as; looking like a boy. Likewise, something that began in elementary school was me picturing myself as “prettier” in my head. I remember always having this image of what I imagined I looked like, and when I would look in the mirror, I would be disappointed with the reality of my reflection. I thought this was something everyone experienced, so I didn’t mention it to anyone until later on in life. I remember casually asking someone (expecting for them to relate) something along the lines of: “You know that moment of shock when you look in a mirror and are reminded of how you actually look as opposed to how differently you picture yourself in your head?” I don’t remember who I was speaking to, but that person looked puzzled and said, “No. No I don’t actually”. I was taken aback by their response. For as long as I had been alive, the version of myself that I saw in my head was always prettier than how I actually looked. So, from that moment on I began asking people if this was a common thing they experienced. Everyone I asked said they had no idea what I was talking about. I soon began to realize that this was unique to me after years of thinking it was common amongst everyone. Looking back now, I realize it’s a symptom of my body dysmorphia.
As the years have passed, my disorder has only worsened. When I was younger, I always knew there was something I didn’t like about myself but I could never pinpoint what that something was. I just knew I didn’t feel pretty. As I have grown and matured, I have become an expert at finding exactly what I don’t like about myself. Let me offer you an example from my life. I used to admire girls with the type of lean stomachs that had the defined line going down the center, and what I called a “slit bellybutton”. You know the stomach. Just look at any Victoria’s Secret model. So, I always assumed that was achievable through exercise and dieting. But I had a rude awakening when years later I realized: you cannot achieve that type of body unless you have the exact bone structure. I, unfortunately, do not have the bone structure to ever obtain that type of body. This is something that you would expect to be common knowledge but surprisingly is not. In fact, I came to this conclusion on my own one day as opposed to being educated on it by an outside source. This has made me realize that there are all these unrealistic body expectations that are not only based on diet and exercise, but most importantly, BONE STRUCTURE. Ever since I had that epiphany I realized I didn’t like my stomach because I had a short torso. I didn’t have much of a waist because my ribs and hips are so close together, giving me a more boyish body if you would. Now, does this really matter? No. Can you still have a beautiful body without having that type of stomach? Duh. But I unintentionally set this unachievable expectation for my body for all these years, thus, I will never be satisfied with the body I have. That’s simply the sad reality of my situation. Now, you most likely associate body dysmorphia with a distortion of one’s body. While this is absolutely true, what you may not realize is BDD actually focuses on all parts of the body. In the case of my disorder, I mainly focus on my face. Now, I’ve critiqued, criticized, and cringed at my body for a large portion of my life, but my face? That’s where my BDD really thrives.
Throughout my life, I would notice how in some pictures I would look good and in others I would look bad. Common right? Of course. But what is interesting in my case is that I began noticing a pattern. Any photo where I was facing the camera with the left side of my face, I thought I looked horrendous. Any photo showing the right side was usually pretty decent! So, as I began noticing this pattern, I began looking at my face more closely. I soon noticed that the left side of my face was completely different from the right. I found every difference; every imperfection. I would stand in front of the mirror for hours and analyze everything “wrong” with my face. I’ve gotten extremely good at finding imperfections. And now all I see when I look at the left side of my face are those flaws. This is what BDD does. My jaw on my left side has been one of my biggest insecurities for years. One time, my BDD got so bad that I would suck in my cheek on my left side for the majority of the day so I could to tighten the skin around the jaw. If someone sits on the left of me, 60% of my mind is occupied by the anxiety of them looking at my “ugly side”. Likewise, action-shot photos from theater productions I’ve been have played a huge part in the development of my disorder. Looking at these photos, I unintentionally taught myself how to zero in on what exactly it was that I found unattractive about myself. I blame no one for this. In fact, I blame no one other than my disorder itself. BDD creates this voice that constantly reminds you of your imperfections, and it fuels self-hatred and low self-esteem. And I’ve been dealing with it everyday for as long as I can remember.
I quickly want to touch upon the debilitating aspect of BDD. To reiterate, the intensity of it comes and goes; some days are much worse than others. There are days when I can think of nothing other than an insecurity my BDD chose to focus on. There are times where I haven’t hung out with people because I felt ugly. I have developed eating-disorderly habits because I’m absolutely terrified of gaining weight. I have spent literal HOURS picking my skin at the mirror because I noticed one small blackhead which caused me to spiral down a path of wanting to fix every pore on my face. I have exercised past my limits because I constantly am wanting to improve my body. I have had breakdowns over a single pimple or a costume in a show that didn’t fit me quite right. I have had panic attacks over public photos of me that I deem “ugly”. It has essentially affected every aspect of my life. My romantic relationships, the quality of my performances, my art, etc. But I press on because I have to. Because I want to. I won’t allow this disorder to consume me completely. It’s a constant battle, but one that I keep fighting.
Now, I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about getting cosmetic surgery done. In fact, I’ve been considering plastic surgery since middle school. Initially, I wanted breast implants for a while because my chest was so small. Now that is not so much a procedure I want done. But, I’m going to be completely honest here, if I had enough money there are some minor procedures that I would get done in a heartbeat. Yes, I’m aware of every sort of advice you can give to someone who is considering getting plastic surgery. I’ve heard it all. Let me offer you a different perspective: mine. Here’s my thought process: if I can improve something on my face that brings me constant grief and self-hatred, why wouldn’t I? If it’s going to make me more confident and feel less ugly, I don’t see why that matters to anyone. Whether or not plastic surgery is in my future is unknown, but perhaps the “sad reality” (as some would say), is that I am very much not opposed.
We can argue and hypothesize for hours and hours about where my BDD originates from. Some have suspected suppressed trauma, some have believed it to be a side effect of being involved in the business of acting/dancing, some believe it was something someone said a long time ago, etc, etc. I personally feel like I was born with it. There was no “event” that triggered my disorder. I think it’s an imbalance amongst the chemicals in my brain. But that is neither here nor there. At the end of the day, the origin of my illness will remain unknown. What matters presently is learning how to combat it.
If I were to write the full depth of my body dysmorphia, the length of this blog would be equivalent to someone’s thesis for their PHD, so I’m not gonna do that for both our sake. But, I hope this look into my disorder from my perspective provides you with insight on the reality of what it is like to live with severe BDD.
HOW TO HELP
Again, here is your crucial reminder that my disorder most likely looks different from someone you know. Use this as a guideline on how you can approach and help someone you love who is suffering.
Part of the reason body dysmorphia is such a complicated thing to talk about is due to the stigma created by society revolving around both mental illness and body image. For instance, if you tell people you feel ugly, they’re going to assume you’re seeking attention; grasping for validation and compliments from others. If you tell people you feel beautiful, they’re going to think you’re conceded and narcissistic. Now, this is obviously a huge generalization, but I feel confident in saying that the majority of people have this mentality. Because that is what we have been taught in society. Now, to be fair, there are in fact people who fall into these categories! I’ve known both those who fish for compliments and those who are extremely conceded, but my point here is that there ARE people who are being genuine when they make comments like these about themselves. The main reason I’m telling you this is so you can be aware of your assumptions of others. Before you place your judgment on an individual, acknowledge that you have no idea what is going on in their head. You don’t know their journey. You don’t know if they have only recently recovered from an eating disorder and have only recently felt beautiful. You simply DO NOT KNOW. This common judgment is a HUGE reason why I don’t often express the depth of my body dysmorphia. People will invalidate my feelings without even realizing that’s what they’re doing. So, I ask you to be aware. Before you jump to conclusions, take a moment to step back and ask yourself, “Do I really know what they’re going through at this current moment in time?”. Most of the time, the answer will be: no.
SUPPORT
Let’s talk support. I am very aware of the difficulty of supporting someone who is mentally ill. It is a VERY hard thing to try and do. As someone with mental illness, I find it to be a difficult task as well. And unfortunately, a single universal, solution doesn’t exist. So, this is where you have to do some work. Having a support group is crucial to being a human being. Everybody needs one. What they need, on the other hand, varies from person to person. The level and what kind of support a person needs is unique to them. And those with mental illness are, more often than not, going to need more support as compared to the “normal” individual. So, without further ado, let me shed some light on how you can support someone with BDD
The irrational part of the brain is extremely persuasive. Pushing aside these thoughts are not an easy task. But regardless of the difficulty, there are things you can do to help that may not exactly pertain to rationality. The main, and most important way to support someone is to LISTEN. That’s right. Truly, fully engage and listen. Don’t just nod your head up and down. Let’s be real, it’s SO easy to tell when someone isn’t present and listening. Those of us with mental illness are trapped with our own demons for the majority of our life, so there are moments where we need the external catharsis of ranting and talking about what’s consuming our mind. Even if you disagree with what they say, even if you don’t fully understand, do not cut them off; simply LISTEN. The danger in cutting someone off when in the middle of their “stream of consciousness” is that they may be very close to a breakthrough, and disrupting that thought process may distract and prevent them from having one at all. Wait until you know they’ve finished what they’re saying. Ask questions. Be engaged. If you don’t understand, ask for clarification without belittling them. And above all, do NOT give advice unless asked by the person. This seems rather simple, but you’d be surprised by how many people I’ve encountered who are bad listeners. If you are not ready to commit and listen to what someone has to say, simply don’t offer. It is more painful to open yourself up and be completely vulnerable with someone who doesn’t listen than to not talk about it at all. We’ve become accustomed to dealing with our illness on our own. It’s daily. So, it’s crucial that you understand when we open up to you, that is no small task, so you MUST be present and engaged. It’s a challenge to be that vulnerable, and if we can tell someone isn’t listening and doesn’t care, we feel ashamed and invalidated.
Obviously, you can tell that I have experienced a lot of bad listeners in my life. So much so that I have almost been conditioned to be a “listener”, and that’s it. Because of this, I don’t particularly like talking about myself in-depth or for longer than five minutes for fear of someone not caring. I’m sure most of you have experienced this. It’s a horrible feeling.
COMPLIMENTS: YES OR NO?
This can be a little tricky. As I previously mentioned, my disorder makes me feel ugly. In the most basic sense/simplest form, that’s how it makes me feel. I’ve dealt with this illness my whole life but have only recently begun opening up about it. Partially because I didn’t know my diagnosis until a couple of years ago, but also because of this: whenever I have mentioned that I am struggling because I feel ugly, unattractive, etc, the most common response that people give is “You’re gorgeous!” “What’re you talking about? You’re so pretty!”. Although you think you’re helping, that’s the last thing I need to hear. When someone responds in that manner, it shows me that they are disregarding my emotions. They are invalidating my feelings by not acknowledging my disorder. Of course, invalidation was NOT the intention of the person. I’m aware of that which is why I am writing this. I’m shedding light on what you may be unintentionally doing when thinking you’re helping. Don’t feel guilty. You have no need to. Your intentions are in the right place. But this discussion is much needed to understand. Even the acknowledgment of “I know it doesn’t mean much to you” preceding a compliment is HUGE. When someone says that phrase to me, it means the world because it shows that the person is aware of my suffering. This is a complicated situation because you never know what an individual is feeling inside. A compliment isn’t going to fix anything. For me, the effects of a compliment revolving around my “beauty” are fleeting; lasting at most 20 seconds. A compliment isn’t going to make me feel pretty. Because it’s not what I see. It isn’t my reality. A person telling me I’m “pretty” isn’t going to change the way I see myself in the mirror. Words only hold so much weight
Finally, and I think this is one of the most important things you can take from this blog, is to NEVER comment on someone’s body. Now, you may be asking something along the lines of, “Well, Verónica, what if I’m complimenting someone on their weight loss journey?” Well, to that I say, do NOT directly reference their body. This is potentially damaging to one’s perception of themselves. Let’s continue with this weight loss analogy. What is dangerous about comments like “Have you lost weight?” or “You look so much better!” or “You look so skinny!” is that they are superficial in nature. Compliments release dopamine (the happy chemical), and if an individual keeps receiving these superficial comments on their weight loss, that release of dopamine can become addictive and it’s very possible that that person can develop something along the lines of an eating disorder. The person will begin to associate weight loss with compliments, so they figure the more weight they lose, the more compliments they will receive (and the happier they’ll feel because DOPAMINE). I’ve seen multiple examples of this occur amongst the extensive research I’ve done. It’s just safer to not comment on someone’s body. If you would like to compliment a person on their weight loss journey or something of the sort, say things like “You look so much happier!” or “You look really strong” or “You look healthy!”. These phrases hold more value in that they’re not strictly based in physical appearance. These compliments are more focused on their general health, mental, AND physical, as opposed to superficial comments. Even in this case, do be very aware of whom you’re talking to and what you say. Know their thought process. It’s absolutely crucial.
As a general note, just be careful of the comments you make towards someone’s appearance. You never know the effect it’ll have. Let me just tell you of a few of the passing remarks people have made about my appearance that have been burned into my mind: “You look like an alien without makeup”, “You’re so skinny, eat a burger”, “You look anorexic”, “You’re not like, the prettiest or hottest girl I’ve ever seen, but there’s just something about you”, “You look like a white-Asian” (?!?!?!), “You’re not traditionally pretty”. I was even told in middle school by my “friends” that I would be raped if I didn’t start wearing a training bra. Some of these were meant as jokes. Some were meant as insults. Some were meant as compliments. Some of these were purely insensitive. And most of these were made without a second thought. What was only a second thought to them was a bombardment of anxious thoughts to me. No matter the intention, they all have stuck negatively in my mind. So, if you take away one thing from this blog, whether someone has a mental illness or not, do NOT comment on the state of someone’s body/appearance. Even if you think it’s a compliment, you need to step back and see if your “compliment” is absolutely neutral in that it can’t be interpreted in any other way but positive. But for the most part, avoid commenting on someone altogether. I don’t care if you’re a family member, best friend, cousin, etc. Don’t do it.
LET'S WRAP IT UP!
Congratulations! You’ve made it to the end of this rather lengthy blog which means 1) you are actually interested in body dysmorphia, what it entails, and how to help or 2) you think my writing is better than that of William Shakespeare. Let’s go with the later ;) I know this blog was long, but I feel passionate about discussing mental health and if that means being vulnerable and posting this on the internet for anyone to read it, so be it. If it helps one person, it’ll be worth it. Body Dysmorphia Disorder is in serious need of some attention. It’s misunderstood and neglected in reference to information on the disorder, but that doesn’t make it any less valid or debilitating. So please, all I ask is for you to open your heart, have some empathy, and take at least one thing away from my experience. And truly, if you have read the entirety of what I’ve had to say: thank you.
P.S. I know this may not mean much to you, but you’re beautiful <3
All photos are credited to j.lito_photography on Instagram
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