Disclaimer, these following statements are my own personal thoughts and opinions about myself. I am in no way seeking validation from anyone reading this. Although it may not always seem it, I am very grateful for the life I live. These thoughts are the silent battle I fight every day and they are very much VALID.
So, I have this issue. Okay, let’s be real, I have many issues but bear with me for just a moment. I have this issue with ‘almost’. No, not the word itself, but my personal experiences with being ‘almost’. Let me explain.
I am a perfectionist. Always have been for as long as I can remember. You remember that kid in school with the perfect science fair project? I’m talking bordering, color coordination, perfect spacing, not a bit of misplaced glue or tape in sight, PLUS a witty title? Yeah, that kid was me. Every project I ever did in school had to be perfect. In fact, I own very few of my school projects because my teachers kept them all as an example for future classes. Yeah. This level of perfectionism also applied to my grades. I got A’s on everything, and the few times I didn’t, I would be incredibly hard on myself and it would bother me to no end. I was always striving for the best. As I grew older, this perfectionism infested all aspects of my life. Grades, projects, cheerleading, singing, acting, dancing, vanity, etc. It became more of a curse rather than a blessing.
Now, I can’t really talk for other people, but I feel as if some people who aren’t perfectionists think of perfectionism as a positive thing. Now, they aren’t necessarily wrong. Being a perfectionist means striving to create something to the best of your ability. I feel like most of us can agree that always trying your best IS, in fact, a good thing. However, it can become a torturous mind game when you are constantly striving for perfection that, in reality, is not achievable.
The idea of perfection is toxic. Perfection has never been and will never be achievable, however we behave as though it is. I believe that there is a common misconception amongst most people regarding the idea of 'perfect'. Perfection is defined as: “to make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible”. Another definition I found was “having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be”. As you can see, both of these definitions contain the word 'possible'. Possible is defined as “able to be done; within the power or capacity of someone or something”. So, the way I see it, these definitions are essentially saying that perfection is only as achievable as an individuals ability. In other words, perfection does not look the same from person to person. Think of it as a spectrum. One persons' perfect may look completely different from the other. I’m sure you all identify with this in one way or another. Each persons' perfection, whether we realize it or not, is at a different degree because we each have our own individual standard of perfection dependent on our capabilities. Take this with a grain of salt, it’s my own personal interpretation but I hope it gives some insight.
I strongly believe that if we were to more often acknowledged the concept of perfection being unachievable, a lot of people would be happier with themselves. Unfortunately, as a society we’ve created a universal standard of perfection. This simply isn’t realistic. This idea has become a toxin spreading through the veins of society. I mean, if you think about it, it’s engrained into children to be as perfect as possible. Now here’s the thing, to strive for perfection is NOT a bad thing. The issue I see is people are not taught to strive for their own personal perfection, rather, they are taught to strive for the standards of perfection implemented by others. From a young age, we are taught by society that if we don’t fit their specific definition of perfect, we are lesser people. If we don't look like this model, we are ugly. If we don’t make it into this university, we are stupid. If we don’t go to college, we are worthless. If we don’t dress according to the latest trends, we are weird. These examples, unfortunately, are endless.
Now, you may be thinking: Verónica, you’ve just gone from talking about science fair projects into what could very well be my next definition essay for my English class…but what about ALMOST?! And to that I say, HOLD YOUR HORSES. WE’RE ALMOST THERE (pun intended).
ALMOST. Yes. Almost goes hand in hand with societies' idea of perfection. We are all in this constant state of being almost something, and most of the time, that something is some form of perfection. I’ve been and currently am almost a lot of things. I’m almost good enough. Good enough, of course being mostly subjective.
So, almost. What do I mean when I say that I am almost a lot of things? Let me throw out some examples. I’ve ALMOST been the lead in a musical dozens of times. I’ve been called back for a number of leads which I've ALMOST booked, however, there is always someone who fits the part better. I like to think of myself as a person perpetually stuck in second place. I’m ALMOST pretty. I honestly think I would be content with how my face looked if the left side of my face wasn’t lopsided. I’m ALMOST pretty; if only the left side matched the right. I’m ALMOST as good or better than the people in my dance classes, but the fact that I can’t remember the combinations lessens my ability. I ALMOST have what it takes to be a really good musical theater singer, except that I can’t belt as high as everyone else. I could go on and on. I’m ALMOST good enough for myself. But just when I think I’ve almost reached my desired perfection, I find something else to knock me back down. I feel like the modern day Sisyphus; repeatedly rolling the stone up the hill, ALMOST making it to the top, only to have it roll down again thus having starting over.
Being almost is hard as a perfectionist. I don't want to be almost, I want to be it (whatever ‘it’ is in that moment in time). Unfortunately, that’s not realistic. I know this. The logical side of me is very much aware of this fact. However, in my brain, the logical side is almost always overpowered by the irrational. My ideas of perfect are molded by my own perfectionism along with societies' standards. It’s a dangerous pair. I admire those who are able to live honest and happy lives with their imperfections. I would want nothing more in my life. As I see it right now, my only choices are to accept my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with myself, and move on. I will always be almost something, and there is no point in focusing on what is unachievable.
Alright. Let’s shake it off. Now, these are all harsh opinions of myself. I’m aware. But the reality is most everyone tears themselves down in one way or another. I just happen to be especially good at it. I’m aware that this is kind of a sad blog, however, it’s raw, honest, and valid. It also should be mentioned that I do not live in this state of mind everyday (thank god). Some people do and my heart goes out to them. No one should suffer like that. I have small thoughts everyday that are along the lines of my previous examples, however, most the time I force myself to ignore them. Unfortunately, sometimes I can’t shake them off so easily. Sometimes, I hit these low points and I spiral into the most self deprecating depths of my soul, but I am so thankful that this is not my mindset a majority of the time. The reality of the situation is sad, but I try to not focus on it. It's about changing my mindset. It's a long and difficult journey, but it is possible to shift your perspective into a more positive light, and I encourage you to take the steps in doing so. If you struggle with anything similar to this, don’t be afraid to reach out and shoot me a message.
I know nobody is perfect, but I want to be. That is the curse of perfectionism. That is the curse of being almost.
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